The Hostage Negotiation of Christmas 2010

Tollhouse Cookie Pie (still warm from the oven w/ Whip Cream!), Red Velvet CHEESECAKE, Gourmet Mini Cupcakes from a local bakery (Chocolate w/ Peanut Butter Icing!!), Creamy Decadent Yule Logs, Godiva Truffles . . . . and that’s just listing the highlights!

Suddenly my “Paleo Cupcakes” weren’t looking quite so hot anymore!

Anyone that knows me personally knows that sugar is my weakness. When I’ve been strict Whole30 Compliant for a good stretch of time, my sugar demons go to sleep, but alchohol wakes them back up in a heartbeat (yes – unfortunately, even red wine).

Soooo I ate a Paleo Cupcake and sat there staring longingly at the dessert table trying to summon my willpower.

After what felt like 3 hours, but in reality was more like 3 minutes, I said to myself “Screw it – it’s Christmas, and I’m having some friggin REAL dessert!” I then proceded to fill a DINNER PLATE with desserts of every shape and size, and dug in. (Reference Picture of Young Child above – yep, that’s about right!) Then I went back for a second helping of Tollhouse Pie. Yes. Really.

After about 15 minutes of indulgence, I was able to turn the switch off, and publicly swore that my meltdown was over with, and that I was back on the Paleo straight and narrow as of that moment. I knew that I’d be in for some serious digestive distress, but at that moment (3 glasses of wine in), I felt that it was totally worth it but knew that I needed to get a hold of myself before I started snowboarding down that slippery slope.

As we left, the host was gracious enough to give my poor deprived hubby a big tupperware container full of “real” mashed potatoes and stuffing. They had listened to his tails of woe regarding my mashed cauliflower and stuffingless dinner table, and had pity on his poor soul.

On the drive home, my hubby reminded me that he had some cheesecake in the fridge that a friend of mine had given him (another “pity” gift!). He asked me if I needed him to “hide” it when we got home so that I wouldn’t be tempted, but I ensured him that my sweet tooth was fully satisfied, and there was no need to go hiding food. I was in control again.

Around 11:30 that evening, we were laying there in bed, and my hubby got up to have a midnight snack of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cheesecake. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the NEED to have cheesecake RIGHT THAT INSTANT. It wasn’t like I was sitting there and thought “hmmm. . cheesecake sure would be nice“. No. This was “I. MUST. HAVE. CHEESECAKE. NOW!!”

This is where the hostage negotiation began. I walked out to the kitchen where my husband was eating cheesecake straight out of the tupperware container. I batted my eyes as softly as I could, gave him my best “come hither” look, and in my sexiest voice said “Hey Baby – I sure would like just one bite of that cheesecake. . . . ” He proceeded to dutifully remind me that I had just sworn off sugar again not even 2 hours prior, and swore that he was doing me a favor by not giving me a bite. But in my cheescake craving frantic mind, I could not see reason.

All I could think about was a bite of that cheescake. So I changed the angle of my argument. I told him that my friend that had made the cheesecake would be insulted if she found out that I went off my diet for a few minutes, and didn’t eat any of her cheesecake (yeah, lame excuse, I know – but I was desperate!) Well, he didn’t buy that either, and slowly began a countermanuever around the kitchen island and into the living room.

As I began to follow him, he picked up the pace – before long I was literally (yes. . . this is real – you have to see this mental picture) chasing my husband around in the circle that goes through our kitchen and living room. He was holding the cheesecake out in front of him at arm’s legnth, running full speed ahead, pulling every evasive manuever he could think of – and I was nipping at his heels, fury in my eyes, screaming all kinds of obscenities and threats of what I would do to him if he didn’t give me a friggin bite of cheesecake. Reason had left the building!!

After about 5 or 6 laps, I had a brilliant idea. I knew that he was covetting the mashed potatoes and stuffing that he’d been sent home with, so I decided that I would take it hostage. Oh Yes I Did. On about my 7th trip through the kitchen, I ripped open the fridge door, pulled out “his precious” and strutted over to the sink with a sadistic grin on my face, ripped off the lid, and held it at a 90 degree angle to where it was just shy of dumping down the disposal. He froze opposite of me and we locked eyes. It was staredown time. He yelled “YOU WOULDN’T“ and I shouted back “JUST WATCH ME!!!”

This exchange was followed by about a minute of staring each other down in silence. He was weighing his options and trying to decide if I would really dump his sacred Christmas food down the drain. I was trying to read him to see if my threat was working, and drooling over the cheescake that was still in his hands and just barely out of my reach. As he started to draw back, I tipped the container just a hair more and he yelled “Nonononononononono!!!!! Fine – You can HAVE your freaking Cheesecake! Just Don’t Throw That Food Down The Drain!!” I slowly walked around the island and made a grab for the cheesecake, but he pulled it back at the last minute and made a grab for the mashed potatoes and stuffing that I was still holding hostage. Fast Forward a moment or two and we were chasing each other around in circles again (You just can’t make this stuff up kids!) Right about now, the dogs come out of the bedroom and start chasing us around as we’re chasing each other. So I’m screaming threats and profanities, the dogs are barking frantically and nipping at our heels, and my poor husband is simply running for his life and wondering how he ever got himself into this situation and how he can save his food.

In the long run, I was able to catch my hubby (Thank you CrossFit!!), and rip the cheesecake from his hands, simultaneously shoveling it into my mouth with my bare hands. He made the split second decision to save his mashed potatoes and stuffing, and give up on the cheescake. . .

We ended up the night on the floor rolling in laughter reflecting on what had just happened. I mean really. In what household does the wife go ballistic over cheesecake and hold mashed potatoes and stuffing hostage over the garbage disposal? I’m almost willing to bet Vegas Odds that this is a first. And part of me wishes we’d had a hidden camera somewhere because we definitely would have won an episode of America’s Funniest Videos!!

So I may very well be the only person on the planet that has gone batsh*t crazy when I had a massive sugar craving – but somehow I doubt it. While most sane people out there have probably never taken the pursuit of their object of desire in a moment of weakness to such great legnths, I’m willing to bet that many have at least contemplated it! Hopefully my honest disclosure will help others to realize that they’re not the only ones that have moments of “craziness” when in the grips of a sugar craving.

As for my “Recovery” . . I woke up the next morning with the worst belly-ache of my life. I asked my husband why the hell he let me eat the cheescake – and then we both laughed some more. This unfortunate incident did wake up my sugar demons with a vengance and I’m having to be very mindful of everything that I eat right now. I’m craving sugar a lot, and just having to suck it up.

I’ve made the decision to start a “Whole100” on January 1st, so I am being a little more “relaxed” with my diet over the next several days, but I refuse to fall of the wagon completely as I have in the past. It’s so easy to say “Well, I’m starting the Whole30 (or **insert diet name here**) in a week, so I have to eat this and that and this and that and this and that and this and that BEFORE I start so that I can get it out of my system”. How do I know this? Because I’ve Been There. Done That. I refuse to do that again. I have to remember that I want to hold on to all of the progress I’ve made so far in my journey to becoming a healthier person, inside and out. And a week long binge would NOT do much to set me up for success! All of my main meals and snacks have been 100% Paleo, but I did allow myself a single serving of ice cream last night. This was different though. Ice Cream is the #1 Item on my “Healthy/F-Off” scale, and I had made the concious decision a long time ago that I would have one scoop before January 1st when I will dig in for the long haul.

Also, I started a Pictoral Food Log that I plan to update with EVERY SINGLE BITE that I put in my mouth during my “Whole100” Journey. I started it this week so that I could work out all of the technical difficulties before my journey begins, and also so that I can get in the habit of snapping pics of everything before I eat it. There’s a link to my pictoral food log at the top of the navigation bar on the right side of your page. If you’re ever curious about what I’m eating, check it out! I hope that my log will help to show others that being “Whole30” Compliant REALLY isn’t as hard as some people make it. It’s basically just meat, veggies, and healthy fats – with some fancy stuff thrown in there from time to time to keep it interesting. Hey – if I can do it, ANYONE can!