Category: Random

Dear Buster

Buster . . . It’s been a week since you left us, and I still think about you every single minute of every single day.

I miss you so much, bud.

What I wouldn’t give for just one more day – hell, one more hour with you to spoil you rotten, get my fill of Buster Kisses, and let you drift off to sleep for the last time, spooned next to me in bed, as I rubbed your back and nuzzled into your neck, inhaling the sweet scent of your fur.

I think the thing that haunts me more than anything is the fact that I wasn’t lying there next to you when you left us. Did you try to get up and let Mommy know that you needed her? I know you must have been scared, and it absolutely tears me apart inside that I wasn’t there, stroking your fur, telling you that it was going to be okay, and that you could let go, and that Mommy and Daddy loved you so very much, but didn’t want you to be in pain. I think we both struggle with this and can only hope that you didn’t suffer. Even as I type this, I’m crying again. But I know you wouldn’t want me to cry. If you were here, you’d be nuzzling in closer, licking away my tears, and wiggling your butt to try to cheer me up and let me know in your own special language that it is going to be okay.

You’d be happy to know that every day that goes by, I cry a little bit less, and laugh a little bit more. The memories dancing through my head of you are starting to bring little smiles to my face instead of tears. I’m starting to remember your perked up “puppy ear” moments, and all of the little happy “expressions” that you’d throw my way when you were happy to see me. You could speak volumes with those eyes and ears, bud. These memories make me smile for a moment, followed by a brief wave of sadness that quickly passes when I realize that they are forever in the past.

We brought you home today for the final time, in a beautifully engraved wooden box, and you’ve got a special place now that I think you’d like. You’ll be able to watch over Mommy & Daddy from your new place in our home.

Dad made me a necklace with your dog tags, and I’ve barely taken them off in the last week. The length is just perfect so that your tags hang just over my heart, and when I wrap my fingers around them and bring them to my lips to give them a little peck, if I inhale deeply enough, I can still faintly catch your scent on them. I find the pressure of your tags on my skin comforting – a gentle reminder that you’ll always have a special place in my heart, and a little “Buster Snuggle” every time I move and their weight shifts slightly.

Your brother seems to be doing okay, although he clearly misses you too. Dad and I realized quickly that we shouldn’t use your name in front of Jake because it makes him sad. We’ve been taking him on lots of walks and little day trips to help keep him occupied, and it seems to be working. He even got to come hang out at the Driveway last week! I think the evenings are the hardest for all of us though, because this was our “family time” to relax and de-stress on the couch together.

Yesterday was July the 8th – the birthday that you celebrated w/ Dad. I think it was really hard on him, and he didn’t really want to do anything to celebrate his birthday despite my “nagging” him. He said it just didn’t feel like a birthday. I get it. It was a nice day outside though, so we spent time together outside – doing some bike maintenance & taking Jakie to PetSmart to get a new football.

There have been some high points this past week, too! I won my first Driveway Series Race of the year on Thursday night, wearing your dog tags close to my heart. Jake was there to help celebrate, and it felt so good to smile and laugh, and share some good memories of you with friends. Then I found out yesterday that I got a guest ride spot at a really big race later in the year! It’s one that I’ve had on my calendar for months, but that I hadn’t been able to find a guest ride spot for yet, so that news brought a huge grin to my face. I missed celebrating w/ you with a “puppy dance”, and got a little nostalgic when I realized that this will be the first road trip that we’ll be taking without you, but no tears this time. . .so like I said. . it’s getting a little easier every day.

Miss ya bunches, bud.

Greiving – Stuck in a cycle of endless tears

We were a Family Unit. Jamie, Me, Jake, and Buster. We were nearly always together now that Jamie is retired. Dad, Mom, Brother 1 & Brother 2. This probably sounds really strange to couples that have children, those without pets, or those who have “outdoor” pets. Our family unit worked though, and we were so very tightly knit.

Jamie and I planned EVERYTHING with Jake and Buster in mind. We quite literally regarded and treated them as if they were our kids. For instance, Dinner Time was 8:30, so we very rarely made plans that wouldn’t allow us to be home in time for the boys dinner, and were never away from home more than 6 hours at a time without making “babysitting” arrangements for them. They slept in bed with us, and were rarely more than a few feet from one of our sides.

I work remotely from my home office, and Buster has a special Window Seat a few feet from Mommy where he’d spend most of his days. Anytime I left my office to grab a coffee refill or lunch, he’d hop out of his window seat and trot along next to me. When I was having a rough day – stressed out or upset about anything – he’d make his way over to me and rest his head on my lap, looking up at me out of the top of his eyes and whimpering until I scratched his head. This was his way of distracting me and cheering me up. When I was really upset about something, he’d make the leap of faith into my lap and lean into me, nuzzling into me with his head and nose.

Whenever I arrived home (most frequently from a training ride), he’d always be waiting at the door for me, wiggling his little butt, and SO happy to see his Mommy and give me “kisses”, licking the salt off of me.

Buster passed away rather unexpectedly early Tuesday Morning, and I have never felt the kind of Grief or Emotional Pain that I have experienced over the last 48 hours. I literally feel as though someone has reached into my chest and ripped a huge chunk of my heart right out. I can’t do ANYTHING without a reminder of Buster, his sweet little expressions and gestures, his smell, his mannerisms, the feel of his fur under my fingertips as we lay on the couch together (a nightly ritual). . . For the first 18 hours, I cried pretty much non-stop. Every time that I would finally get the crying to stop, a picture of him lying there lifeless on the floor, or a sweet memory of him wiggling his butt in joy would dance through my head, and open the water-works right back up. Logically, it seems so silly to be so fully incapacitated and full of grief over an animal. I’ve lost my grandparents, and while I loved them VERY much, the pain and sense of loss didn’t hold a candle to that which I feel at the loss of my sweet, sweet boy.

I don’t know how to move on. EVERY LITTLE THING that I do in my day reminds me of him:

  • I wake up and instinctively reach for him to scratch behind his ear
  • I choke back tears and realize that my snuggle buddy isn’t there to nuzzle me and cheer me up, which sends me into an even more hysterical fit of crying
  • I pull it together and walk out of my bedroom, and my eyes fall on the spot that we found him lifeless
  • To the right is his food and water bowl, and to the left in my pantry, all of his special “scooby snacks” and his food
  • I walk through the living room, and see the couch pillows that he always used to hoard and lay on top of (because the couch cushions simply weren’t soft enough for his spoiled butt!)
  • Into my office, and there’s his window seat, and his nose-prints still all over the window
  • Another wave of tears, followed again by the realization that my snuggle bud isn’t there – I literally miss his smell, and the feeling of burying my nose in the scruff of his neck and breathing in his scent, as his soft fur tickles my nose
  • The neighborhood cat runs by the window, and I realize that he’s there to “play” his daily game with Buster, but won’t have a playmate today
  • I go to the bathroom, use the last square of toilet paper to wipe away a few tears, and instinctively go to call for Buster to take the empty tube to daddy and fetch a new roll. More Tears.
  • A picture of him with his perked up “puppy ears” and wiggly butt, running down the hallway with a roll of toilet paper gently held in his mouth runs through my head. . and I fall apart all over again.
  • My furry security blanket isn’t there to help ease the tears. OMG it hurts so bad.
  • I take my bike out for a short spin to get some fresh air and try to ebb the flow of tears. As I ride back into the driveway and open the garage door, I realize that my sweet boy won’t be there wiggling his rear end and smiling up at me, waiting to lick away my sweat when I open the door. Dammit. Here we go again with the waterworks.
  • I walk in the door, Jamie gives me a hug, I see the sadness in his eyes, and just can’t hold it together. We hold each other, shaking and crying for several minutes. He pulls it together before I do and tells me that it’s all going to be okay, but I know he’s lying, just trying to take care of me, and that’s not fair to him. I just don’t know how our family unit will ever be okay again without our Buster.
  • Jake is grieving too, and I try to be strong for him, give him all the snuggles, extra treats, and keep him busy so that he doesn’t keep sniffing around and looking for his brother. How will he handle it when he realizes that his brother, who is usually attached at the hip, isn’t coming home? How do I hug him and tell him that it’s going to be okay when just the act of wrapping my arms around his warm, soft, furry neck make me break down into tears again?

Everywhere I turn in this home, and every thing that I do – every part of my daily routine – there is a piece of it that Buster was an integral part of. How am I ever going to heal this broken heart when I can’t go 30 seconds without a reminder of my little boy, his sweet disposition, the way he would look at me, the special bond that we shared. I shared so many of my secrets with him. I cried and laughed with him in my arms. He shared in my little daily victories with his “happy puppy dance” & perked up ears & wiggly butt, and soothed me through so many bad days with that knowing gaze of his that wordlessly told me that everything was going to be okay. He was truly one of my “best friends”, outside of Jamie of course. I could always count on him to be right there by my side, and to never, ever judge me. Is that a little sad? Maybe, but it’s true, and I don’t really care how pitiful it sounds right now. One of my best friends and confidants just left me with very little warning, and nothing that I do or say can bring him back, and I just feel so very alone and cold. Jamie shares in this grief, so I don’t want to weigh him down with my emotional baggage, but I feel like I’m going to explode into a million pieces if I don’t find some way to move past this. C’mon Christie. He was a dog. He wasn’t a person. I totally get that in my head. But tell that to my heart. How do I put my heart back together and move past this cycle of never-ending tears and grief.

I am trying to move forward. I realized yesterday afternoon that being at home was not good for my mental health, because I am just so surrounded by memories of Buster here, and right now, those memories bring so much pain and tears, rather than joy and smiles. I know that eventually this will change, but I’m just not there yet. So I left yesterday afternoon to drive down to Corpus Christi. This in and of itself was a heart wrenching decision. I knew that I really should stay at home with Jamie and Jake, as they too were grieving, and we really should grief together as a family. . .but it was absolutely ripping me to shreds to be in this house with these memories, and I ultimately just had to remove myself in order to try to pull myself together. I stayed with Trevor and Bell in CC last night, and rode the 80K Independence Day Gravel Grinder benefitting ALS with Beth, Trevor, and some new friends this morning. I was able to reflect on some positive memories of Buster without tears, and my friends so wonderfully helped to keep my mind occupied with positive conversations and catching up. They let me discuss my feelings and share special memories of Buster, but didn’t push me to discuss it more than I freely opened up about, and I felt a million pounds lighter by the time I left Corpus Christi, and like moving forward, and “getting over” this might actually be possible. I actually smiled and laughed this morning, and it felt so very good.

Then, I began the 3.5 hour drive home. 3.5 hours in a car by myself and my thoughts was not so great. The skies opened up with torrential rains about an hour from home, and I felt like the weather absolutely perfectly reflected my mood. I wanted to stop my car, get out, let the rain pelt me, and just scream at the top of my lungs. . but I just kept driving. I pulled into the driveway and once again realized that “wiggle-butt” wouldn’t be waiting on the other side of the door to welcome his mommy home. I held it together long enough to hug Jamie and Jake and get into the house. Progress. But then I saw the lovely tribute that Jamie wrote this morning, and the water works opened all over again.

I just can’t bring myself to re- visit FaceBook or Instagram yet, and I apologize. I genuinely appreciate so very much every kind comment and word of encouragement that my friends have shared, but every time that I think I’m strong enough to scroll through them and respond, I read the first one and just can’t hold it together. Thank you all so, so very much. I will read each and every comment and respond when my emotions are a little less raw, and I can do so without falling apart. That may be 2 hours from now, or it could be 2 weeks.

I’m very much not okay right now, but there is nothing that anyone can do or say that will make me okay. This is a heartache that I know will heal with time, and I just need to let time do it’s job. I will be okay. In the meantime, I’ll be burying myself in work and training, trying to numb my thoughts and emotions as much as I possibly I can.

I’m not yet able to form complete and eloquent thoughts about Buster without just completely falling apart, but Jamie wrote a beautiful tribute this morning that perfectly expresses my sentiments in words that I’m just not yet able to utter, and I’d like to share:

Buster,

You were always there to make us laugh or just comfort us during troubled times. You never judged us, when we needed to just talk to someone. You could sense frustration and sadness from across the house and would just walk in and rest your head on our leg; as if you was just saying “I’m here, it will be okay.”

You never left our side when both momma and I were recovering from surgeries. During our pain, you would just snuggle closer and just stare at us. Through your soul filled eyes, we could see that it was your way of saying “I’m here, it’ll be okay.” During my rehab, you were so patient with our short walks and you would keep looking back to check on me.

You were your adopted brother’s guardian, and you tolerate his antics. He was always dropping his ball on your head, but you never got mad. During storms or loud noises, you would cuddle up to him and put your head on his back. Once again, “I’m here, it’ll be okay.”

You loved helping us carry stuff to and from the car. Or the best was when I would bring momma home some sweets from the store and you would take them to her. I can’t remember the number of times you brought us toilet paper when we were out.

While traveling didn’t seem to be your favorite thing to do, you still seemed to enjoy all the new smells from Monterey, CA to Knoxville, TN and all states in between. Always friendly to everyone with an occasional lick to the face.

Even to the end, you would wag your tail when we would walk over to you in your bed.

Hopefully you knew that we loved you just as much as you loved us.

RIP little buddy. Thanks for all the great years and until we meet again.

P.S. Leave the squirrels and rabbits be up there..

Momma’s Boy from Day 1
Curious George!

 

Before he grew into those ears!
He never did like water. . lol
Our Little Family . .
World’s Best TP Fetcher!
Our Nightly Ritual
World’s Best Nurse! (That’s enough screen time for today Mommy. Time to let your head heal. . scratch mine!)

Zwift Academy 2017 – the final Workout – “Gooo Mommy! You Can Do It!”
His Brother’s Security Blanket

Taking Daddy for a walk! (PT Assistant)
I’m going to miss those Perked up “Puppy Ears”
Coming in hot for a big, sloppy, wet one! hahaha

 

We’re going to miss you too, little guy. . and yeah. . it’ll be okay. . .eventually.

#2017BestNine (+ a few!)

I’d like to preface my 2017 Best Nine by mentioning that, while this year was a dream come true, and better than I could have ever imagined that it would be, it most definitely did NOT start out that way, and it was not ALL puppy dogs, rainbows, and sunshine . . My year got off to a crap start when I was diagnosed with SEVERE Anemia a few days before leaving for Valley of the Sun Stage Race in AZ – my first big race of the year. I’d been feeling run down and tired for quite a while, but trained through it until I just couldn’t anymore, and went to the Dr. . . (Pro Tip: DON’T DO THIS, KIDS!!). . . Anyway, long story short, my performance at VOS and the early season local TX Road Races was pretty dang crappy. Anemia for me is like pouring diluted gas into a high performance engine. . . I’m used to being able to just motor my ass off, and with Anemia this severe, my engine was barely sputtering along, and would unexpectedly just cut out on me with little to no warning. I followed my Dr’s orders though, and worked with my coach to train my way through it without running me further into the ground. I refused to throw in the towel for the year, and was positive that I could salvage some good performances by mid to late season. . . Let’s just say that I’m glad I’m a stubborn, hard-headed cuss that isn’t deterred that easily, because boy, did my year turn around once we had my health squared away! That leads me to my 2017 Best Nine. . 
#2017bestnine: I customized mine a bit because it was SUCH an incredible year, that 9 just wouldn’t do it justice… :
  • Winning the USAC Master’s Nats TT claims the #1 spot because of the long multi-year journey behind it 😊
  • Winning the 12 Hr World TT Championship in a US National Champ San Remo Speedsuit rushed through production by Castelli Cycling , coupled with the hands on support of my Hubby & Coach, & everything that my friends, sponsors, & the Austin, TX Cycling community did to help me realize that dream is #2
  • FINALLY claiming a TX State Championship Jersey in Saturday’s WP12 RR, and then having the opportunity to race with so many of my ATC Racing Teammates in Sunday’s AG RR Championship & celebrating teamwork & success together!
  • The Zwift Academy: the camaraderie, community, and support of so many women from around the world, and watching/cheering as so many within this community met and exceeded their goals was definitely a high point of my year!
  • The Driveway Series … ALWAYS a highlight of my year! From meeting & greeting so many within the TX Cycling community at registration to throwing down w some of the strongest ladies in the country, “playing with the boys”, and rounding out Thursday nights w a celebratory Austin Eastciders … The DW Series will ALWAYS have a spot near the top of my highlight list!
  • LOTOJA..traveling cross country w my #1 supporter, crew chief, & Hubby Extraordinaire (who hates cameras…) bridging solo to the break, & then working over so many miles w Lindsey Stevenson to build our gap, all the while soaking in the beauty that surrounded us throughout the UT mountains. . . Definitely an experience that I will cherish for a lifetime!
  • Letting Elyse at Frenchy’s Beauty Parlor use my head as her canvas for a beautiful work of art! I’m very analytical and not creative AT ALL, but I had seen some pics of colorful undercuts and mentioned to my hairstylist, Becca, at Frenchy’s that it would be fun to cut a few lines into it, or have some fun w/ color one of these days. .  . .she introduced me to Elyse, an artist and hairstylist, who I have “free reign” to create whatever art she wanted to on my head. She broke out the paint brushes, razor blades, shears, and hair color, and the end result was more fun and beautiful than anything I could ever have thought up in a million years 🙂 
  • Sponsor LOVE 💚!! The support that Cryo Wellness provided throughout the year, culminating in the awesome “Send Christie to Worlds “ Party that they threw for me … I burned matches at both ends this year, juggling Ultra Racing, USAC Racing, & the Zwift Academy. By the end of the year, I should have been falling apart, but regular Cryo, Compression, & Hyperbaric Chamber Sessions kept me at the top of my game ALL YEAR LONG
  • Continued Sponsor LOVE!: Christopher Bean Coffee Company kept me caffeinated all year, which DEFINITELY helped w alertness during some of those 15+ Hour Road Trips, and also helped get my rear in gear for early morning races and training rides!
Y’all. . . with a year like THIS behind me, I can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store!!
SO, SO MUCH THANKS to Jamie Tracy, Austin Tri-Cyclist, Matt Seagrave, Andrew Willis, Cryo Wellness, Christopher Bean Coffee Company, ATC Racing & Austin Tri-Cyclist, Castelli Cycling, nuun hydration, CANYON//SRAM Racing | Zwift Academy, ALL of my friends, family, and the ATX Cycling Community, and ALL of the awesome and supportive Zwift Academy Ladies for everything that you did to help Push, Drive, and Support me in chasing dreams in 2017!

New Hair Day!

Elyse at @frenchysbeauty cutting in the lines
Things are getting interesting!! 

Before / During / After 😁

Most Likely to Sprint for Meat Award!

#winnerwinner #tacodinner !!


@michaeljphoto & I were all smiles with our awards at the @drivewayseries End of Season Party at @lamanchatexmex tonight! 🌮😁

#mostlikelytosprintformeataward #bobblehead #Tequila #drivewaylife

New & Improved Pain Cave :-)

A little ZA Bike Dancing Fun ;-)

That Race Weekend Hangover. . .

Hello World . . . Again!

I am well aware that it’s been a little bit over 3.5 months since my last blog post, in which I proclaimed to “have my routine back”. . . but I guess I spoke a bit to soon! To anyone and everyone out there following my blog – I really am sorry to have been MIA for so long!
Over the last few months, I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster – one that I know I haven’t been riding alone. I would eat really well for a few weeks, and then get sucked back under by one of many different “justifiable reasons” (insert sarcastic tone here!). Among the things that have derailed my good intentions – high-stress periods at work, business trips, birthday parties, summer bbq’s, and a plain old-fashion lack of will-power. I temporarily lost sight of the REAL reasons behind my decision to stick to a Paleo “diet”, and without those reasons as motivation, I “fell off the wagon” repeatedly.

On a positive note, I have managed to stick to my training, but on the flip side, my nutrition has definitely been lacking.
But, I’ve finally come to the point where enough is enough. I need to get back on the right track, and I’ve recently been reminded of exactly why it is that I decided this path in the first place. The primary reason that I have chosen to follow the Paleo “diet” principles for life is that I want to live a long and healthy life, as free from illness as possible. As many of us have a tendency to do, I’ve taken my health for granted to date. Up until about a year ago, I’d always been very healthy, and the most severe ailment I’d ever had was a case of appendicitis. This has made it easy to ignore the fact that some of the things that I’ve chosen to put into my body very likely could contribute to health problems in the not-so-distant future, especially if I continue to consume them on a regular basis. It’s so easy to ignore the facts about gluten’s involvement in auto-immune disease, among other things, when there isn’t much of an immediate consequence upon consuming it (other than maybe some gut discomfort which can easily be chalked up to overeating, and over time is barely even noticed as anything outside of “normal”).
So I’m making my good intentions public once again. Beginning right now, this minute – I plan to clean up my act and eliminate all gluten, grains, dairy, soy, legumes, and processed foods. I’ve got a fridge full of veggies, chicken, fish, and Grass Fed Beef. Food Prep for the week (Spinach muffins, guacamole, etc) is done. My Meal plan for the week is complete, and I’m ready to go 🙂
This week’s meal plan includes:
Breakfasts:
Omletes stuffed w/ tons of veggies and homemade guacamole
Lunches:
Salads w/ wild tuna, tons of veggies, avocado, HB eggs, homemade may dressings
Leftovers from previous nights dinners
Snacks:
Spinach Muffins w/ Guacamole
Limited fresh fruit & raw almonds
Raw veggies & Paleo Hummus (zucchini & tahini based rather than chick pea)
Dinners (M – F) are:
Crock Pot (Grass Fed) Meatballs & Roasted Brussel Sprouts
Wild King Salmon w/ Tomato Basil Relish and a salad of field greens
Chicken & Broccoli Coconut Curry Stirfry (From Paleo Recipe Book by Sébastien Noël)
Curry Shrimp over Zucchini noodles
“Salsa Chicken” over Shredded Cabbage topped w/ Avocado
I’m not starting another Whole30 just yet, but plan to do so within the next few weeks. I’m working to get back into the routine of planning and prepping all of my meals first. After a week or two of 95%, I’ll be jumping back into another Whole30 head first!
Training is going to stay about the same. I’m going into my second cycle of Wendler 5-3-1 Training, which I’m combining w/ bodyweight assistance exercises and complimentary CrossFit WODs. I’m also really focusing on my “goats”. I got my first HSPU about a month ago (BIG happy dance!!), and have been working them regularly ever since to increase the # that I can do in a row, and decrease the amount of rest that I need in between sets. I’m also working on improving my ring dips (I can still only do 2-3 in a row, and after a few sets of 2-3, I’m done. . . I’m still working on my Olympic Lifts also, but not as regularly. I’m really focusing on increasing my strength first and foremost. Once I get some of my baseline #’s up a bit (squat, shoulder press, deadlift), I’ll switch my focus back over to improving my technique and form on the Olympic Lifts – I truly enjoy training the Olympic Lifts more than just about anything . . . but I feel that I’ve hit a wall and won’t break through it until I increase my strength.
I’m really going to try to check back in regularly in the upcoming weeks and months to share my successes & struggles, ask for advice, and maybe even give a little from time to time 😉 If all goes according to plan, I’ll also be sharing some new Paleo Recipes as I get back into the routine of “playing w/ my food”.
One last thing that I have to share – and this little bit of news has got me grinning from ear to ear – we’re talking Cheshire cat grin here. . . My wonderful Hubby has decided to give CrossFit a try! He started about a week ago, and so far he loves it. I am so very proud of him and excited for him, and it is SO wonderful to be able to share something with him that has become such a large part of my life.
Well, I’m signing off for now – but will do my best to post again before another 3 months roll by!

Starting Over after “IT”

Many of you out there in the “Internet Realm” who follow my blog don’t know me personally, so I feel that it’s necessary to give a bit of background before diving into the “heart” of this post.

Background

I started CrossFit about 3 years ago, and progressed on about an “average” level. I was instantly addicted due to the constant improvement across a wide range of movements, and I aspired to one day reach the “Competition” level. I’ve been competitive and athletic my entire life, so this gave me a new outlet for my competitive spirit to fly free.

I started Weightlifting (in addition to CF) about 2 years ago, and quickly fell in love with it. I’m very flexible and this gave me an advantage in movements like the Snatch. I made “okay” progress over the next year and a half. Nothing spectacular, but steady and consistent progress – so I was happy and content.

My strengths are Weightlifting (Single Reps w/ recovery in between – very different from most CF Weightlifting Conditioning WODS) and lengthy-but-light-weight-MetCons, while my weaknesses are gymnastics movements and lifting heavy weights for more than 1 or 2 reps. (I can lift MUCH more for 1 – 2 reps, or if given time to recover between reps than I can if I were asked to lift a weight multiple times without rest.)

Okay, now for the “meat and potatoes” of this post –

Up until about 8 months ago, I was making steady progress and thriving both mentally and physically on the consistent improvement in most areas. Then “IT” Happened.

“IT” will be different for everyone, but in all cases it’s something that happens in your life that sets you back (a little or sometimes a LOT), and you have little to no control over whatever this thing may be.

The “IT” in my life was thyroid problems. My energy levels started to fall, I could no longer go as long or as hard, and some days it took everything I had just to get out of bed. Then, my strength started to decrease, and that was the last straw for me – I marched my butt to the Dr. to find out what in the heck was going on. The diagnosis was an Autonomically functioning Thyroid Nodule. I had a “hyper-thyroid” condition, and the options to fix it were to nuke the nodule w/ radiation or have surgery to remove the nodule along with (at least) half of my thyroid. I opted for the “nuke it” option because there was a better chance that my thyroid would recover long-term and that I wouldn’t have to go on Synthroid. I was warned that when they “nuked” the nodule, it would likely also affect my thyroid function for several months, up to a year, and that I would probably become “Hypo” until my thyroid regulated itself. If it failed to regulate itself in an acceptable amount of time, I would have to go on medication to get my Thyroid levels where they needed to be. Sooo, at the end of August, I had my Thyroid “nuked”.

Since then, my performance in the gym has continued to decline, but at an even faster rate. I now officially have “hypo-thyroidism”, and my levels are getting worse every month (not better).

Initially, I kept a positive attitude. I knew that this was a temporary setback, and as soon as I got “IT” straightened out, everything would return to normal. I suffered through discouraging workout after discouraging workout, but did my best to keep plugging away.

Over the last two months, however, my workout frequency has decreased significantly more. It got so hard (mentally!) to drag myself to the gym when I was no longer seeing steady progress, but was instead seeing a steady decline in my performance and strength. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw myself down on the floor and have a temper tantrum. I just wanted to feel better and perform better, and get back to where I was. I felt like I was being forcibly pushed backwards in time to the level I was at when I first started CrossFit and Weightlifting. And I had worked SO HARD for the progress that it was really hard to see it ripped away by “IT”.

Every workout, I would compare my results to my previous PR’s (set before “IT” happened), and got more and more discouraged – because numbers just don’t lie – I was getting worse, not better. My Fran is much slower, I can’t string even half the pullups together that I used to be able to, I can’t Snatch or C&J my max anymore for even 1 rep, I get winded and have to rest after just a few thrusters or box jumps or burpees.

In addition to all of this, I had FINALLY conquered the HUGE milestones of HS Pushups (off of an abmat) and RX Ring Dips prior to “IT”. These are things that I had struggled with and worked on religiously for months and months to get, and was overjoyed when I finally “got” them. I realized about a month ago that I can no longer do either movement. And trust me, it’s NOT for lack of giving it everything I had just to try to get 1 single solitary rep. I just am THAT much weaker.

So for the last two months, I’ve gradually been getting more and more discouraged and it’s been harder and harder to force myself to workout because I’m fighting with my own head. I’ll tell myself that “I feel GREAT today, and I’m going to kick this workout’s butt!” and then 5 minutes into it I realize that I have no energy at all left, and I finish it, look up my previous time, and realize that I got nowhere close to kicking that workout’s butt, regardless of my good intentions.

I FINALLY realized just today that I’ve been my own worst enemy. I’ve been de-moralizing myself and setting myself up for failure by comparing my Current Performance/Strength Level to my Performance/Strength Level from before “IT”. I’m basically comparing apples to oranges, whether I want to admit it or not. I am NOT the same athlete that I was 6 months ago, through no fault of my own – but I need to accept that, re-assess where I am NOW, and try to improve from my current position. That means setting new goals, focusing on the here and now, and forgetting about what I may or may not have been capable of 6 months ago.

What brought on this realization? I was reminded of the Serenity Prayer:

“God, Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

The realization of what I had been doing hit me like a lightning bolt. I need to trust that I will never be burdened with more than I’ve been given the ability to handle, and know that everything really does happen for a reason, even if I never figure out just what that reason is.

So I am going to do my best to simply accept that I am where I am in terms of strength and conditioning, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change where I am right now at this moment. It’s out of my hands.

And while I won’t be able to change my performance & strength levels overnight, or return them instantaneously to where they used to be, I do have the ability to change my the way that I look at the situation, my focus, and my goals.

So over the next month, I am going to update my “Current 1RM” and all of my performance measurement metrics so that they reflect where I am right now. I will no longer refer to any of my previous benchmarks in my training logs or on my website because that was the past, and this is the present, and I need to stop dwelling on the past if I ever want to be able to move forward.

Going forward, I will measure my progress against these current numbers, rather than where I was when I was at my “peak” 6 months ago. I hope that this shift in the way that I look at things will help me to be less discouraged at the end of my workouts, and to appreciate that I still have the ability to do the things that I love, even if I may not be able to (presently) do them as well as I used to. And that’s okay with me!

So if you have recently faced a setback as a result of an “IT” in your life, it may help if you stop dwelling on the past, re-evaluate where you are in the present, and make goals & plans for the future based on your current situation. Whatever the “IT” is in your life that may have sidelined or de-railed you – You can overcome it if you are able to stop focusing on how things were before “IT”, accept how things are now, and move forward from your current position.

I’ll end this post with one of my favorite quotes:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude,
to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the
education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than
what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance,
giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The
remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will
embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact
that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only
thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I
am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Charles R.
Swindoll

And now, after that HEAVY post, here’s a little something to make you Smile before you leave! (Cause who doesn’t love cute puppies?!?)

Pressure Cooker Adventures #1

Yes, my initial Pressure Cooker adventures were an Epic Fail!

I attribute this to the fact that I bought a $19.95 Pressure Cooker at HEB. . . I tried several times to use it, but it never seemed to build up pressure correctly.

According to the instructions, I was supposed to put it on the stove on high heat until the regulator began to rock, and then reduce the heat to medium or low so that the regulator continued to rock gently. The instructions also said that I shouldn’t start timing the cooking until the regulator began to rock (meaning that the pressure had built up enough to do it’s job).

Well, my regulator never rocked, but tons of steam leaked out from around the handle each time that I tried to use it, and water dripped down the side of the Cooker – so I’m pretty sure that it never built up the proper amount of pressure because so much steam was leaking out.

I tried steaming cauliflower, but because the regulator never rocked, I didn’t know when to start timing it. I ended up WAAY overcooking it and ended up with a soggy mess!

So, you live and learn I guess! I refuse to quit on my attempts at pressure cooking because it looks like such a healthy alternative and the convenience and speed of it is really appealing to me also.

So I upgraded to a $40 Presto 8 Qt Pressure Cooker over the weekend, and am very much looking forward to trying it out next week – I only hope that I have better luck this time, and that the previous Pressure Cooker really was faulty and that it wasn’t just “user error”!

I’m going to start scouring the web this evening for some yummy Paleo Pressure Cooker Recipes, but if anyone out there reading this has some “winners”, (Or Pressure Cooking Tips!) please share!