So many thoughts & emotions, but I’ll try to keep this brief!
I came into this year’s 6-12-24 Hour World Time Trial Championships trying hard not to set expectations, but also wanting so desperately to defend last year’s title. After 8 weeks of non-weight bearing beginning in early August, I just didn’t know how much I could reasonably ask my body to give me. I have a STELLAR support team to thank for getting me back on my bike, and rehabbing and rebuilding fitness as quickly as humanly possible, while not rushing things to the point of re-injury: The Training Room (Phil Davis, Blaze, and the rest of the team know their stuff!), Austin Massage Company (both Massages AND recovery Yoga with Erica), My Coach, Matt Seagrave, who checked in nearly daily before updating my workout plans, and did a pretty darn good job of bringing my fitness level back up as much as possible, while working around so many injury-imposed restrictions, Cryo Wellness (Cryo, Infrared Sauna, and Hyperbaric Chamber), and use of a BEMER Mat (sponsored by Blood Flow Rocks). I owe this team SO much (including my sanity!), and can’t express my gratitude deeply enough.
I guess above all, I’m GRATEFUL. Grateful for the support of ALL of my sponsors, friends, and family, who believed in me and supported me throughout 2018 – through thick and thin!
Grateful to be able-bodied enough to line up, start, and finish this race, despite the many setbacks this year has seen.
Grateful for hubby Jamie Tracy that continues to support, love, and push me to be the best version of myself that I can be (also through thick and thin!)
Grateful for a coach that invests so much of himself in my training and success, and knows exactly when I need to be pushed, AND when I need to rest/recover.
While yesterday’s race did not play out the way that I’d hoped, I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to leave it all out there. I’m grateful that my body gave me 8.5 solid hours of racing before beginning to fall apart. I’m grateful that I was able to coax it to finish out the full 12 Hours.
At the end of the day, I finished out VERY salty, and 3rd Place/11 Overall Woman in the 12 Hour TT.
12 Hour W 30-39 World Champion
3rd Place W Overall 12 Hour World Championship TT
SALTY!
Thank you Sponsors!
The VanDoIt made it easy!
SALTY!
I may not be riding away from CA wearing rainbows this year, but I DID set a new weekly mileage & TSS PR last week, which included 2 amazing 11 mile climbs up The Glass Elevator, and a nice little 12 hour race, concluding in a Time Trialist’s version of a “Crit”… 😜… I’m celebrating every little victory because each baby step puts me that much closer to “whole” again… and I appreciate so much more the things that my body is capable of doing after being unable to do so many of them for what felt like forever but was really just the blink of an eye.
My fitness may still be a bit below it’s peak, but I’m pretty stoked about the direction & grade of that ramp!
On the road trip from Austin, TX to Borrego Springs, CA this year for the 12 Hour World Time Trial Championship, I found myself struggling with many conflicting thoughts and emotions.
I’d had a lot of time with my thoughts the past few months, since fracturing my pelvis the first weekend in August. Before the accident, we a full block of adventure right around the corner: Road-Tripping it up to Colorado for the CO Classic with Swisse Femme Equipe, then heading over to VT for the Race to the Top of VT and the Green Mountain Stage Race, then swinging through MD and VA to visit both our families before racing the Pisgah Monster Cross Challenge along the Blue Ridge Parkway in the Pisgah National Forest.
I’d been looking forward to that trip all year. My coach and I had been carefully managing my training and racing efforts in order to peak me for this late season block of racing, and I can honestly say that my fitness was at the highest point it’s ever been. Then “it” happened. A split second in the sprint finish of a weekly Crit that I race every single week – things went sideways in front of me, I went over my handlebars, and BOOM. Fractured Pelvis. Instant change of plans. No more CO. No more VT. Not visit to Mom and Dad. No shredding gravel along the Blue Ridge Parkway. All of that planning, carefully honed fitness and “peaking”. Out. The. Window. In the blink of an eye. On top of that, I’d really hoped to compete in the Zwift Academy again this year, and maybe even make it to the finals (after juuust barely missing them last year!), but I certainly wouldn’t be smashing trainer workouts out of the park, setting a new FTP, or TTing off the front of virtual races with a busted hip.
Not Impressed
Those that know me personally can tell you – I’m about as Type A as they get. I categorize myself as Type A+. I am a planner. I LOVE planning. I do not like “rolling with the punches“, “flying by the seat of my pants“, “winging it” or “going with the flow“. . . .these things just don’t compute for me and my Type A, analytical brain. Sometimes life has a way of forcing you into the most uncomfortable places in order to initiate growth though. Maybe not growth as an athlete, but growth as a human being. More Patience. More Tolerance for the unknown and unpredictable. Learning how to slow down, enjoy living in the moment, and just rolling with the punches and going with the flow.
After fracturing my hip, I was non weight-bearing for a full 6 weeks. No exercise of any kind allowed, because my fracture extended from my illiac crest to just shy of my hip socket, and if I “pushed it”, the fracture could extend into the socket, causing displacement, and requiring surgery to correct. . .so you’d better believe that I followed Dr’s Orders 1,000%, and then some.
It was NOT easy though. Mentally, I felt like a basket case. Take someone that is fiercely independent, consistently getting 2+ hours of endorphins through training EVERY SINGLE DAY, and rip that right out from under them. Put them flat in a bed, unable to so much as sit up without assistance for a full week. . . needing assistance to drag a useless leg via walker 10 steps to the bathroom – needing assistance to sit down and then stand back up, and then needing assistance to get back into bed. That lasted for a week. . .but even once I was somewhat “self-sufficient” again, I had to keep ALL weight off my left leg, which meant dragging that stupid walker, and then after a while crutches, around with me EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t just run to the kitchen to grab a glass of water really quick between meetings. It was a 5 minute pain-filled excursion every time I stood up to do anything.
Then, when I started to feel better – still dependent on crutches and non-weight bearing, it got even worse. . .every fiber of my being craved exercise and endorphins. I was eating ~2,000 calories of nutrient dense food a day even because I knew this was necessary in order to fuel the healing that was taking place inside my body. . but I watched as my hips, midsection and thighs grew in circumference and got “soft”, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Cutting calories was not an option, because this would delay healing.
Complicating matters, I struggle with clinical depression and anxiety, and in my day-to-day life, I have it 100% under control through exercise, clean eating, and medication. . .I 100% forget it even exists and is a non-issue 99% of the time in “normal” life. But again – rip away my exercise and endorphins, and you’ve pulled 50% of my comping mechanisms out from under me. . add to that the weight gain and quickly diminishing fitness. . . . let’s just say that I was not a happy camper, and not fun to live with at all during this 6 week period.
AS SOON AS I was cleared to be weight bearing and get back on my bike though, I rolled up my sleeves and, working with Phil & Blaze at The Training Room, and my coach, Matt Seagrave, we did everything humanly possible to remedy the atrophy, strengthen my hip, and bring my fitness back up as much as possible in the 5 weeks that remained before the WTTC.
The first 4 weeks back on the bike were excruciatingly painful, from a patience perspective more than anything. I began to realize just how much fitness I’d lost. . . . I could barely pedal my bike without my HR skyrocketing and remaining pegged. . . my left leg quad was ~1 inch smaller in circumference than my right, and my L/R power output was 40%/60%. I had a LOT of work to do, but the caveat was that I couldn’t rush it without setting myself back to square one. It was so very hard for me to get on my trainer and just spin super easy for an hour per day. SO HARD. Harder than any max effort intervals or FTP test I’ve ever done.
My first outdoor ride with teammate Chelsea ended with me seated with my Slurpee outside of a 7-11, and entirely unable to stand up! This is friendship, people! Sacrificing your ride plans to ride at a sloth’s pace with your broken friend on her first ride outside in 7 weeks, and then breaking out your phone to film paparazzi-style the joyous laughter at the end of the ride. . . despite my inability to return to standing. . . that was the best ride I’d had all year!
For 4 weeks after being allowed to resume weight bearing, I wasn’t allowed to ride more than 1 hour at a time because my left leg would fatigue quickly, and as it fatigued, I’d rely more and more on my right leg, reinforcing poor form and imbalance. I had to get in more than 1 hour a day though. . .my fitness was IN THE TOILET (see pic below), and I had to get some volume back in order to start bringing my fitness back. This meant DAILY 2-a-days. . . getting up at 5am to knock out an hour before work. Working my 9-10 hours. Forcing myself to take an hour lunch break 3 x per week to go to The Training Room for PT. Getting off work, and knocking out another hour. Getting off the trainer, and doing 30 minutes of at home PT stretches. I was exhausted. I was grateful to be getting a regular dose of endorphins again, but spinning super easy on a trainer & doing 40 minutes of 1 leg drills a day is NOT exactly my idea of fun on my bike. I began to dread my training sessions. I didn’t want to get up at the crack of dawn to sit on a bike and spin easy. I didn’t want to get back on the damn trainer at 7pm after a long-ass, exhausting day of work and spin easy again. I wanted to WORK & what I was doing did not feel like work. But I stuck with “the plan” because I was DETERMINED to line up to race on October 27th.
Like that CTL plummet? NOT the kind of descent I like. . .
On October 6th. . . 21 days before I’d be lining up to race a 12 Hour World Championship TT, I was FINALLY cleared to ride 2.5 hours in a single shot on my bike. It was glorious!! Granted, my fitness still sucked, and I couldn’t hold sh*t for power – but that 2.5 hours outside on my bike did my mind and heart a world of good, and reminded me how much I loved to train and ride.
The next week (Oct 8 – 14), we gradually increased my volume and intensity to see how my body responded. To my delight, my power #s started to come back up, while my avg HR came down. Still nowhere remotely close to my “peak”, but I started to actually believe that I might be able to “race” the full 12 hours! At this point, it was still painful to walk, so I was still using crutches to get around, but it didn’t hurt to ride my bike, so my saddle was my happy place, and I went from dreading those dang trainer workouts to looking forward to my daily training rides again 🙂
The next week, we left TX for the 2 day road trip to CA on Thursday. We laid over in Las Cruces Thursday evening, and I had an “easy 1 hour spin @ 160W” on my trainer. I set it up next to the van in the parking lot – the weather was beautiful – breezy and ~55 degrees. I jumped on my bike and started to pedal, but my legs were full of crap! I thought surely I must have a brake rubbing. . . . jumped off the bike and checked. . nope! WTH?!? Get back on. Start pedaling again. 120W and I’m sweating. Suck it up, take it up to 160W but I swear it feels like I’m pushing 200+. After just a few minutes, I’m sweating buckets – literally dripping from every sweat gland in my body. . and my HR is MUCH higher than it should be for 160W. By the time I finished the hour, I felt like I’d ridden 50+ miles at tempo. And the monkeys in my head started going nuts. . . .all of the doubts came rushing back in. What was I thinking? Why was I dragging Jamie all the way out to CA for this race when my body clearly wasn’t ready? Was I even going to be able to ride 6 hours? I went to bed discouraged with a heavy heart and legs.
Friday the 19th we drove from Las Cruces, NM to Borrego Springs, CA. After clearing Border Patrol about 45 minutes outside of BS, we turned onto the familiar road that led us into town. I was off work at this point in the afternoon, sitting in the passenger seat, gazing out the window, and remembering the thoughts/feelings/emotions swirling through my head a year earlier.
As we had descended into BS in 2017, I was full of desire, hope, optimism, and dreams. Earlier in the year I’d won my first National TT Championship (Master’s Nats). I’d gone on to win the TX State W P12 and Age Group Road Race Championships, and had just found out that I’d been selected as a Semi-Finalist for the 2017 Zwift Academy. My fitness was at an all-time high, and the world was my oyster. I had visions of winning the 12 Hour World TT Championship, and then being whisked off to Spain for Training Camp with Canyon/SRAM, and racing my way through Europe in 2018 dancing through my head.
In contrast, as we descended into Borrego Springs this year, I was fighting back feelings of insufficiency and fear. I was the defending 12 Hour World Champion, and wanted nothing more than to defend my title, and prove to myself that I could come back yet again, but the realist in me knew how unlikely winning the World Championship this year would be. I believed it was possible, but had hundreds of doubts swarming around me like flies that I had to keep swatting away. I didn’t want to let myself down. I didn’t want to let my coach down, who had worked so hard alongside of me to rebuild my fitness. I didn’t want to let my husband down, who had been SO supportive through yet another setback, and put up with my horrible mood swings resulting from lack of endorphins, and was driving me the 18 hours each way to defend my title. Friends and Family had been texting, calling, and posting on FB for weeks to reassure me that I could do this. . . but I had this sinking feeling that I was about to disappoint everyone.
We finally arrived at our AirBnb, unpacked, and Jamie and I went for a #BikeDate. I finally felt the blanket of pressure and fear start to lift. The weather was beautiful. I was here in this perfect place with my husband and our bikes, and I didn’t have to work for the entire week. I could ride my bike as much as I wanted. My hip was healed enough that I could walk without crutches *almost* pain free. My legs felt SO much better than they had the night before on the trainer in Las Cruces. It was going to be okay. Blue Skies, Sunshine, Wind in my hair, and a bike date w/ my hubby was all I needed. #Nevernotsmiling, #happyhappyhappy, Optimistic Little Miss Sunshine was back!
The week of Oct 22nd, I did most of my training rides on the TT course – getting to know wind direction, false flat sections, etc. I also got the chance to ride up Montezuma (The Glass Elevator) and Yaqui Pass while I was out there and loved EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of those breathtaking rides! Jamie and I went on several bike dates, and also made it out to The Spandex Stampede in Temecula and had fun hanging out w/ Tadd and Brett of Atom Composites for the afternoon, and learning more about the CA Gravel Scene!
Maddy, a friend that I guest rode w/ JL Velo at Redlands with, came up with a friend Thursday night, and we had a blast hanging out and catching up on Friday.
Friday afternoon rolled around, and I was relieved to feel a sense of peace about the race the next day. While I can’t lie and say that I didn’t want to win (I mean, c’mon. . it’s a bike race!), I didn’t feel that sense of dread or pressure that I’d felt as we’d driven into town the week before. I was thankful for the simple fact that I was able-bodied enough to be in CA, riding my bike up mountains, and lining up to race a 12 Hour TT just 12 short weeks after breaking my friggin hip! LOL
And you know what? My coach & I had done a pretty dang good job of ramping my fitness back up given the limited amount of time that we had to work with, and the many injury-related restrictions that he had to work around. . . so I was going to go out there and give it everything I had, and wherever that placed me at the end of the day, I knew i’d walk away content, having given it 100% of what my body had to give it.
That Ramp back up is pretty dang steep 🙂 🙂
So how did the race go? Well, my friends, family, and anyone that follows me on FB and IG already have the cliff notes version, but the full race report is coming tomorrow. Stay Tuned!
Team Tracy ATX (all 3 of us!) are headed out to the Lorimar Winery in Temecula today! We’ll be hanging out at the Spandex Stampede Gravel event at the Atom Composites Tent till about Noon. If you’re in the area, swing on by, tour the van, scratch Jake behind the ear, check out some wicked fast Gravel Wheels, & say hi!
Introduction to Ultra Racing – Mentorship Program for Beginners!
Exclusively for 1st Time Ultra Racers planning to race the 6 Hour Pace Bend Ultra Race.
If you’ve never tried an Ultra Race before, but are curious what the hype is about, and looking for a fun and fulfilling challenge to keep your training on track through the Holidays and heading into the new year, this is a program that you won’t want to miss.
~2 x 1 Hour Group Q&A Sessions with Shane & Christie during which we will provide general training, fueling, and hydration guidance, discuss race pacing/strategy, and answer questions
~Race Day Guidance along the same lines
~Full Crew Support on Race Day (and the option to bring a crew member for hands-on training)
~10% discount off the already reduced early bird pricing
~1 participant (drawn at random) will get to use a #UltraFast #UltraLight #UltraCool set of Atom Composites Carbon Race Wheels on Race Day!
Register Here, using BikeReg Code: “tracytraughbermentor”
**LIMITED TO 8 SPOTS (BikeReg Code will only work 8 times)**
I was recently interviewed by Kensie Garber for this feature article on the VanDOit website!
We discussed my cycling background, some of the setbacks I’ve faced (and overcome), my State, National, and World Championship Titles, and how the #TeamTracyATX VanDOit helped to enable us to chase dreams and adventure in 2018, as well as our VanLife-ing Road Trip Plans for 2019!
I still feel super awkward talking about myself and my accomplishments on the bike during interviews. . . but it’s kind of fun to see the finished product when articles and pod-casts go live 🙂
I’ve just recently updated our 2019 Race and Road Trip Plans too! You can check them out here, and contact us ( admin@teamtracyATX.com ) if you’d like to set up a Van Tour or Meet & Greet when we’re rolling through your town next year!
I’m beyond flattered to be mentioned in this article by Race Across America about the New Generation of Women Ultra-Racers. . . Sarah Cooper is kinda my hero(ine), so to be mentioned in the same write-up as her is a bit of a dream come true! (This was a complete surprise when it hit my inbox yesterday!)
I’ve recently decided to focus a lot more of my attention on Ultra Racing AND Gravel (AKA “My Happy Places”!) in 2019, and this helps to re-affirm my decision (More details on 2019 plans coming to my blog soon!)
In the meantime, if any more of my roadie friends are interested in dipping their toes in the Ultra Waters, Jamie & I are more than happy to answer questions and provide advice/guidance from our experiences so far!
Christie Tracy (USA) Relatively new to the ultracycling scene is Christie Tracy from Austin, TX. A regular at the Driveway Series, a weekly crit series organized by Andrew Willis and Holland Racing (which also puts on the 6-12-24 Hour Pace Bend race and the Texas Time Trials), Christie has been adding ultra races to her busy race schedule. In 2017, she won the 200-mile race at RAAM Challenge Texas, and followed it up by winning the 12-hour race at the 6-12-24 Hour World Time Trial Championships in 2018. She will be defending her title at this year’s WTTC in Borrego Springs.
Why does Pablo Gomez need to apologize to his mother? Watch the Episode 1 #Pickleball of the Drunk Athlete Show to find out this burning question and others like “Why am I sticky?”
AND, if you missed my episode of the Drunk Athlete Podcast, and are interested in learning more about how I “discovered” cycling (and got hooked), what my training looks like, and what dreams and aspirations drive me to keep coming back after every. single. injury. . . check out Ep 32, linked below!
Buster . . . It’s been a week since you left us, and I still think about you every single minute of every single day.
I miss you so much, bud.
What I wouldn’t give for just one more day – hell, one more hour with you to spoil you rotten, get my fill of Buster Kisses, and let you drift off to sleep for the last time, spooned next to me in bed, as I rubbed your back and nuzzled into your neck, inhaling the sweet scent of your fur.
I think the thing that haunts me more than anything is the fact that I wasn’t lying there next to you when you left us. Did you try to get up and let Mommy know that you needed her? I know you must have been scared, and it absolutely tears me apart inside that I wasn’t there, stroking your fur, telling you that it was going to be okay, and that you could let go, and that Mommy and Daddy loved you so very much, but didn’t want you to be in pain. I think we both struggle with this and can only hope that you didn’t suffer. Even as I type this, I’m crying again. But I know you wouldn’t want me to cry. If you were here, you’d be nuzzling in closer, licking away my tears, and wiggling your butt to try to cheer me up and let me know in your own special language that it is going to be okay.
You’d be happy to know that every day that goes by, I cry a little bit less, and laugh a little bit more. The memories dancing through my head of you are starting to bring little smiles to my face instead of tears. I’m starting to remember your perked up “puppy ear” moments, and all of the little happy “expressions” that you’d throw my way when you were happy to see me. You could speak volumes with those eyes and ears, bud. These memories make me smile for a moment, followed by a brief wave of sadness that quickly passes when I realize that they are forever in the past.
We brought you home today for the final time, in a beautifully engraved wooden box, and you’ve got a special place now that I think you’d like. You’ll be able to watch over Mommy & Daddy from your new place in our home.
Dad made me a necklace with your dog tags, and I’ve barely taken them off in the last week. The length is just perfect so that your tags hang just over my heart, and when I wrap my fingers around them and bring them to my lips to give them a little peck, if I inhale deeply enough, I can still faintly catch your scent on them. I find the pressure of your tags on my skin comforting – a gentle reminder that you’ll always have a special place in my heart, and a little “Buster Snuggle” every time I move and their weight shifts slightly.
Your brother seems to be doing okay, although he clearly misses you too. Dad and I realized quickly that we shouldn’t use your name in front of Jake because it makes him sad. We’ve been taking him on lots of walks and little day trips to help keep him occupied, and it seems to be working. He even got to come hang out at the Driveway last week! I think the evenings are the hardest for all of us though, because this was our “family time” to relax and de-stress on the couch together.
Yesterday was July the 8th – the birthday that you celebrated w/ Dad. I think it was really hard on him, and he didn’t really want to do anything to celebrate his birthday despite my “nagging” him. He said it just didn’t feel like a birthday. I get it. It was a nice day outside though, so we spent time together outside – doing some bike maintenance & taking Jakie to PetSmart to get a new football.
There have been some high points this past week, too! I won my first Driveway Series Race of the year on Thursday night, wearing your dog tags close to my heart. Jake was there to help celebrate, and it felt so good to smile and laugh, and share some good memories of you with friends. Then I found out yesterday that I got a guest ride spot at a really big race later in the year! It’s one that I’ve had on my calendar for months, but that I hadn’t been able to find a guest ride spot for yet, so that news brought a huge grin to my face. I missed celebrating w/ you with a “puppy dance”, and got a little nostalgic when I realized that this will be the first road trip that we’ll be taking without you, but no tears this time. . .so like I said. . it’s getting a little easier every day.
We were a Family Unit. Jamie, Me, Jake, and Buster. We were nearly always together now that Jamie is retired. Dad, Mom, Brother 1 & Brother 2. This probably sounds really strange to couples that have children, those without pets, or those who have “outdoor” pets. Our family unit worked though, and we were so very tightly knit.
Jamie and I planned EVERYTHING with Jake and Buster in mind. We quite literally regarded and treated them as if they were our kids. For instance, Dinner Time was 8:30, so we very rarely made plans that wouldn’t allow us to be home in time for the boys dinner, and were never away from home more than 6 hours at a time without making “babysitting” arrangements for them. They slept in bed with us, and were rarely more than a few feet from one of our sides.
I work remotely from my home office, and Buster has a special Window Seat a few feet from Mommy where he’d spend most of his days. Anytime I left my office to grab a coffee refill or lunch, he’d hop out of his window seat and trot along next to me. When I was having a rough day – stressed out or upset about anything – he’d make his way over to me and rest his head on my lap, looking up at me out of the top of his eyes and whimpering until I scratched his head. This was his way of distracting me and cheering me up. When I was really upset about something, he’d make the leap of faith into my lap and lean into me, nuzzling into me with his head and nose.
Whenever I arrived home (most frequently from a training ride), he’d always be waiting at the door for me, wiggling his little butt, and SO happy to see his Mommy and give me “kisses”, licking the salt off of me.
Buster passed away rather unexpectedly early Tuesday Morning, and I have never felt the kind of Grief or Emotional Pain that I have experienced over the last 48 hours. I literally feel as though someone has reached into my chest and ripped a huge chunk of my heart right out. I can’t do ANYTHING without a reminder of Buster, his sweet little expressions and gestures, his smell, his mannerisms, the feel of his fur under my fingertips as we lay on the couch together (a nightly ritual). . . For the first 18 hours, I cried pretty much non-stop. Every time that I would finally get the crying to stop, a picture of him lying there lifeless on the floor, or a sweet memory of him wiggling his butt in joy would dance through my head, and open the water-works right back up. Logically, it seems so silly to be so fully incapacitated and full of grief over an animal. I’ve lost my grandparents, and while I loved them VERY much, the pain and sense of loss didn’t hold a candle to that which I feel at the loss of my sweet, sweet boy.
I don’t know how to move on. EVERY LITTLE THING that I do in my day reminds me of him:
I wake up and instinctively reach for him to scratch behind his ear
I choke back tears and realize that my snuggle buddy isn’t there to nuzzle me and cheer me up, which sends me into an even more hysterical fit of crying
I pull it together and walk out of my bedroom, and my eyes fall on the spot that we found him lifeless
To the right is his food and water bowl, and to the left in my pantry, all of his special “scooby snacks” and his food
I walk through the living room, and see the couch pillows that he always used to hoard and lay on top of (because the couch cushions simply weren’t soft enough for his spoiled butt!)
Into my office, and there’s his window seat, and his nose-prints still all over the window
Another wave of tears, followed again by the realization that my snuggle bud isn’t there – I literally miss his smell, and the feeling of burying my nose in the scruff of his neck and breathing in his scent, as his soft fur tickles my nose
The neighborhood cat runs by the window, and I realize that he’s there to “play” his daily game with Buster, but won’t have a playmate today
I go to the bathroom, use the last square of toilet paper to wipe away a few tears, and instinctively go to call for Buster to take the empty tube to daddy and fetch a new roll. More Tears.
A picture of him with his perked up “puppy ears” and wiggly butt, running down the hallway with a roll of toilet paper gently held in his mouth runs through my head. . and I fall apart all over again.
My furry security blanket isn’t there to help ease the tears. OMG it hurts so bad.
I take my bike out for a short spin to get some fresh air and try to ebb the flow of tears. As I ride back into the driveway and open the garage door, I realize that my sweet boy won’t be there wiggling his rear end and smiling up at me, waiting to lick away my sweat when I open the door. Dammit. Here we go again with the waterworks.
I walk in the door, Jamie gives me a hug, I see the sadness in his eyes, and just can’t hold it together. We hold each other, shaking and crying for several minutes. He pulls it together before I do and tells me that it’s all going to be okay, but I know he’s lying, just trying to take care of me, and that’s not fair to him. I just don’t know how our family unit will ever be okay again without our Buster.
Jake is grieving too, and I try to be strong for him, give him all the snuggles, extra treats, and keep him busy so that he doesn’t keep sniffing around and looking for his brother. How will he handle it when he realizes that his brother, who is usually attached at the hip, isn’t coming home? How do I hug him and tell him that it’s going to be okay when just the act of wrapping my arms around his warm, soft, furry neck make me break down into tears again?
Everywhere I turn in this home, and every thing that I do – every part of my daily routine – there is a piece of it that Buster was an integral part of. How am I ever going to heal this broken heart when I can’t go 30 seconds without a reminder of my little boy, his sweet disposition, the way he would look at me, the special bond that we shared. I shared so many of my secrets with him. I cried and laughed with him in my arms. He shared in my little daily victories with his “happy puppy dance” & perked up ears & wiggly butt, and soothed me through so many bad days with that knowing gaze of his that wordlessly told me that everything was going to be okay. He was truly one of my “best friends”, outside of Jamie of course. I could always count on him to be right there by my side, and to never, ever judge me. Is that a little sad? Maybe, but it’s true, and I don’t really care how pitiful it sounds right now. One of my best friends and confidants just left me with very little warning, and nothing that I do or say can bring him back, and I just feel so very alone and cold. Jamie shares in this grief, so I don’t want to weigh him down with my emotional baggage, but I feel like I’m going to explode into a million pieces if I don’t find some way to move past this. C’mon Christie. He was a dog. He wasn’t a person. I totally get that in my head. But tell that to my heart. How do I put my heart back together and move past this cycle of never-ending tears and grief.
I am trying to move forward. I realized yesterday afternoon that being at home was not good for my mental health, because I am just so surrounded by memories of Buster here, and right now, those memories bring so much pain and tears, rather than joy and smiles. I know that eventually this will change, but I’m just not there yet. So I left yesterday afternoon to drive down to Corpus Christi. This in and of itself was a heart wrenching decision. I knew that I really should stay at home with Jamie and Jake, as they too were grieving, and we really should grief together as a family. . .but it was absolutely ripping me to shreds to be in this house with these memories, and I ultimately just had to remove myself in order to try to pull myself together. I stayed with Trevor and Bell in CC last night, and rode the 80K Independence Day Gravel Grinder benefitting ALS with Beth, Trevor, and some new friends this morning. I was able to reflect on some positive memories of Buster without tears, and my friends so wonderfully helped to keep my mind occupied with positive conversations and catching up. They let me discuss my feelings and share special memories of Buster, but didn’t push me to discuss it more than I freely opened up about, and I felt a million pounds lighter by the time I left Corpus Christi, and like moving forward, and “getting over” this might actually be possible. I actually smiled and laughed this morning, and it felt so very good.
Then, I began the 3.5 hour drive home. 3.5 hours in a car by myself and my thoughts was not so great. The skies opened up with torrential rains about an hour from home, and I felt like the weather absolutely perfectly reflected my mood. I wanted to stop my car, get out, let the rain pelt me, and just scream at the top of my lungs. . but I just kept driving. I pulled into the driveway and once again realized that “wiggle-butt” wouldn’t be waiting on the other side of the door to welcome his mommy home. I held it together long enough to hug Jamie and Jake and get into the house. Progress. But then I saw the lovely tribute that Jamie wrote this morning, and the water works opened all over again.
I just can’t bring myself to re- visit FaceBook or Instagram yet, and I apologize. I genuinely appreciate so very much every kind comment and word of encouragement that my friends have shared, but every time that I think I’m strong enough to scroll through them and respond, I read the first one and just can’t hold it together. Thank you all so, so very much. I will read each and every comment and respond when my emotions are a little less raw, and I can do so without falling apart. That may be 2 hours from now, or it could be 2 weeks.
I’m very much not okay right now, but there is nothing that anyone can do or say that will make me okay. This is a heartache that I know will heal with time, and I just need to let time do it’s job. I will be okay. In the meantime, I’ll be burying myself in work and training, trying to numb my thoughts and emotions as much as I possibly I can.
I’m not yet able to form complete and eloquent thoughts about Buster without just completely falling apart, but Jamie wrote a beautiful tribute this morning that perfectly expresses my sentiments in words that I’m just not yet able to utter, and I’d like to share:
Buster,
You were always there to make us laugh or just comfort us during troubled times. You never judged us, when we needed to just talk to someone. You could sense frustration and sadness from across the house and would just walk in and rest your head on our leg; as if you was just saying “I’m here, it will be okay.”
You never left our side when both momma and I were recovering from surgeries. During our pain, you would just snuggle closer and just stare at us. Through your soul filled eyes, we could see that it was your way of saying “I’m here, it’ll be okay.” During my rehab, you were so patient with our short walks and you would keep looking back to check on me.
You were your adopted brother’s guardian, and you tolerate his antics. He was always dropping his ball on your head, but you never got mad. During storms or loud noises, you would cuddle up to him and put your head on his back. Once again, “I’m here, it’ll be okay.”
You loved helping us carry stuff to and from the car. Or the best was when I would bring momma home some sweets from the store and you would take them to her. I can’t remember the number of times you brought us toilet paper when we were out.
While traveling didn’t seem to be your favorite thing to do, you still seemed to enjoy all the new smells from Monterey, CA to Knoxville, TN and all states in between. Always friendly to everyone with an occasional lick to the face.
Even to the end, you would wag your tail when we would walk over to you in your bed.
Hopefully you knew that we loved you just as much as you loved us.
RIP little buddy. Thanks for all the great years and until we meet again.
P.S. Leave the squirrels and rabbits be up there..
Momma’s Boy from Day 1
Curious George!
Before he grew into those ears!
He never did like water. . lol
Our Little Family . .
World’s Best TP Fetcher!
Our Nightly Ritual
World’s Best Nurse! (That’s enough screen time for today Mommy. Time to let your head heal. . scratch mine!)
Zwift Academy 2017 – the final Workout – “Gooo Mommy! You Can Do It!”
His Brother’s Security Blanket
Taking Daddy for a walk! (PT Assistant)
I’m going to miss those Perked up “Puppy Ears”
Coming in hot for a big, sloppy, wet one! hahaha
We’re going to miss you too, little guy. . and yeah. . it’ll be okay. . .eventually.
Would NEVER have lasted the full 100 without the support of @jamieltracy & his worms 🤣 (& Ice Socks 🧦 , Nuun 💦, & Pickle Juice Sport 🥒 )
Congrats to Venny Alub on her 2nd Place finish, and Katelynne Marsan (not pictured) on 3rd!
Thank you @grittyteethracing for a fabulous, well run & supported event and fantastic, well marked course! And the handmade trophies & mugs are awesome!! #TeamTracyATX will be back next year!
At the start of the year, when I sat down with my coach, and we carefully reviewed all of the 2018 races that I could feasibly get to and race, while still working my 45-50 hr/week job, we decided to prioritize large UCI/PRT Stage and Road Races over Crits. . . my ultimate goal this year is to gain experience at the UCI/PRT level, and perform well enough to “get noticed”, and potentially picked up by a Pro Team for 2019 (ideally, a WWT team, or a team that races a lot of road/stage races, as my current strengths make me much more of an asset in long/hard road/stage races over multiple days than 60 minute crits).
Well, the best laid plans. . . Haaaa!!
For an itemized, brief summary of my revised Race/Travel Plans, you can check out the2018 Schedule & ResultsPage, or read below for all of the details!
Initially, we had chosen to forgo OKC Pro-AM, Tulsa Tough, and defending my 2017 TT Title at the USAC Masters National Championship, in favor of racing Cascade Cycling Classic in Bend, OR & North Star Grand Prix in St. Paul, MN – both of which would help to build my resume and help me to “get noticed” with solid racing/placements. . . . but unfortunately, both of these iconic races ended up being cancelled for 2018, with plans to return in 2019 . . . I was also hoping to race the UCI Winston Salem Cycling Classic Road Race, but unfortunately was not able to find a Composite Team or Guest Ride Spot.
Sad Puppy
Detour Not Dead End
But, you know what I keep saying. . . “Detour, Not Dead End“, right?!? So when I had a couple of teams offer me guest ride spots at Bike the Bricks Crit, the OKC ProAm Classic Crits, and Tulsa Tough, I threw all of those carefully laid plans out the window, and jumped at the opportunity!
Will racing these Crits showcase my strengths in the way that a solid GC Placement at Cascades or NSGP would have? Probably not (but possibly in a different way?!). If I’ve learned nothing else from the last several years of racing though, it’s that sometimes forcing yourself well outside of your “comfort zone” is just as important and necessary as working on continuing to improve your strengths. It’s sure as heck not comfortable most of the time, but it’s the fastest way I’ve personally found to grow, develop, and improve as a well-rounded bike racer, hopefully making me an even more valuable asset to a team down the road.
And the other bright side to all this?!? With NSGP being cancelled, my schedule opened up so that I’ll have the opportunity to try to defend my 2017 Masters Time Trial National Championship Title! Yipee!!!
Revised May/June Race Plans!
So, without further ado, here are my revised race/travel plans for Late May/June!
After returning from this month-long trip, I’m REALLY (really, really!!) hoping to find some way to get an invite to race the Kristin Armstrong Chrono Time Trial (along with the ASWB Twilight Crit and Chicken Dinner Road Race) in Boise, ID July 13-15. . . . however, I know that this is an Elite, Invite Only TT, and the chances of me acquiring a guest ride spot as pretty much an “unknown” are slim to none. . .
Since when do I back down when the odds are against me, though? LOL!
I’m going to throw my hat into the Lottery with the Zwift Competition on May 30th . . .getting up at 5am to knock that out before hitting the road to meet up with the Pickle Juice Ladies in OKC! Time Trials & Crits go together, right?!? hehehe 1 lucky woman who completes the 10 mile TT in under 27 minutes will be given a spot in the “real” TT on July 13th. . so it’s a long shot, and based more on luck than anything (random drawing of qualifiers), but I’ve got to at least ante up! (#All-In, right!?!? )
I’m making the Pro Nats TT on June 21st my “A” Race, and my coach and I are tailoring my training between now and then (around Crits! lol) in order to peak my performance at Pro Nats TT. In a perfect world, I’d post a Top 10 time, turn some heads, and possibly earn a last minute invite to the Chrono TT that way. . . .
This is another Elite, Invite Only, UCI Stage Race that I’ll need to secure either a Guest Ride or Composite Team spot for. . . I haven’t really put out many feelers yet because I was focusing on finding a spot for Winston Salem, but hope to be able to secure a spot at the Colorado Classic Stage Race this year!
A Stage Race in the Green Mountains of Vermont! This one overlaps with The Gateway Cup, but I think I will have had my fill of Crit Racing after Tulsa and OKC, and look forward to racing this challenging Stage Race in the mountains instead! This one isn’t UCI, so I’ll be able to register for it without hunting for a Guest/Composite Spot 🙂
September/October – Ultra Time!
After returning home from Vermont, I hope to defend my TX State Champion Road Race Titles in Mid-September, and then will switch my focus back to Ultra Racing through the end of October. I’m planning to race the 12 Hour Time Trial at the Texas Time Trials in Glen Rose, TX in late September, am considering the NCOM 383 Mile Anton Chigurh Ultra Race on Oct 13th in Alpine, TX, and will be returning to defend my 12 Hour World Time Trial Championship Title in Borrego Springs, CA on October 27th!
2018 Zwift Academy?
And who knows. . . I may even try to juggle the Zwift Academy again as I take on these late-season races. . . I really enjoyed the workouts last year, and the camaraderie built with other ZA Participants!
This is aimed toward my friends & family who do not ride bikes.
I was nearly killed today on a bike ride by an inattentive driver running a stop sign. And then berated by an uninformed motorist for breaking a law that does not exist. Please take a moment to watch this & inform yourself regarding a common misconception about right of way. Please share! Thank you!!
